For the last couple years, I’ve been threatening to go back and start playing FFXI.  Every time, John tries to dissuade me because… well, it’s probably the smart thing.  Recently FFXI was on sale on Steam for $5, too cheap to pass up, so I bought it (just in case… you see).  Well this past holiday weekend I had a little time on my hands, and a hankering to play (because I couldn’t get into the FFXIV beta)… so I installed.  After the requisite day of downloading, installing, & patching… I was ready to go.  I re-activated my old account (this time I remembered my information) and plopped myself back into Vana’diel.

I’ve only had a chance to play for a few minutes, but what really took me by surprise is how much of the game I remembered and/or picked up again almost immediately.  The control scheme in Final Fantasy XI is quite unique; I’ve never seen a game before or since that is even similar.  The entirety of FFXI can be played on the 10 key (num pad).  Every action including moving about, adjusting the camera, selecting targets, attacking, rest and accessing the menus… are all handled in the 10-key.  It is, obviously, very unusual, but fantastic once you learn it.  I’ll admit, I struggled for the first minute or two I was in game – I haven’t played in 4 full years – but then suddenly it clicked back in.  I was running about and menu navigating like I never left the game.

The second thing I noticed, was the fact that I didn’t need the maps.  When I first connected into the game, I found myself standing naked (well, I had a fishing pole) in the Chocobo Stables of Southern San d’Oria.  Lacking proper gear, I ran my way back to the local Mog House entrance and geared up.  When I was done, I left the mog house, checked the AH, grabbed a chocobo and started a run off to The Grand Duchy of Jueno… all without a map.  Sure, during my long run to Jueno I pulled out my map a few times, but that was to verify I was taking the most efficient path.  I realized that I really didn’t need the map, though it made things faster, and in the old days I could have done the “most efficient” path without a map, but I thought I was doing damn good.

In the end, I didn’t get to play for nearly as long as I thought I had, but it was great to be back.  I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to play, especially with the release of Final Fantasy XIV looming.  Playing FFXI was worth the nostalgia trip.  That, plus the ability to get the monthly fee on FFXI discounted with FFXIV (so I read), I will keep it around for a while.  Now I just have to find people to play with.

After playing the demo (back when I thought it came out in September), I considered canceling my pre-order. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the demo (I certainly did), but it didn’t seem like it was worth paying the $60 Day 1 price. That was back then. This is now. I’m still not sure if it is worth $60, but it is a ton of fun. Oh and Amazon had a pre-order bonus that I had long since forgotten about until they emailed me: codes for 4 more sets of armor (“Xbox Agent” – Green, Gold, Black, and Gunmetal – which looks almost identical to the light grey suit).

The game starts out with an amusing video detailing what’s been happening in the last 10 years (the time that elapsed between the first game and this one). Basically, “freaks” have overrun the city and The Agency is only now getting the the Agent Program back up and running (the cloning facilities were destroyed during the intervening 10 years). You start out on Agency Island and they have you run through a training program to acclimate yourself with the basic controls, and then they have you hop into an Agency Cruiser (the most basic vehicle) and they lift you out of there via helicopter and give you an amazing flyby of Hope Springs, the starting area/island (which you were able to explore in the demo).

You get dropped off in the same place that you started in the demo, right outside a Cell stronghold. You need to capture this location and one nearby and that gives you your first resupply point. Veterans of Crackdown will recall that you need to bring collected weapons and vehicles to the resupply points in order to store them. Crackdown 2 has made the storing of vehicles much easier, as all the resupply points are on the ground (this is likely due to the resupply points offering vehicle drops as well as weapon drops). As was the case in the first game, your enemies (more on them in a second), at least the human ones, have the best weapons in the game. Right after I got to a sufficient Firearm Skill level to equip the Agency Machine Gun, I found an enemy Machine Gun that was much better, which of course has no level requirement, so when Jon gets started I will be able to hook him up with that weapon right away.

Enemies are everywhere! In the previous game you were dealing with a gang war, however this time you have only 2 enemies: Cell (human group that dislikes the Agency) and “Freaks”. “Freaks” are the enemy of everyone and will attack anyone who isn’t a freak. They come in various sizes and colors and I recently ran into some that are absolutely massive (forget the bullets, you need explosives for these guys), though on the plus side they only seem to appear while attempting to detonate beacons. Cell also comes in various sizes and colors, from the guys packing beginner assault rifles and shotguns (both of which are better than your starter gear, so store them immediately) to armored (actual armor, as in they look like they have steel belted to them) guys carrying turreted weapons. Bullets aren’t really a problem for your Agent; explosives are though. As you progress through the game, more and more Cell warriors are carrying explosive weaponry – rocket launchers, grenade launchers, flocket launchers (I don’t know what a flocket is, but they are launched explosively), and homing launchers (which is like the firefly in the first game).

The Agility and Hidden orbs are back, but they aren’t alone. New this time are the following:

• LIVE Orbs – Orbs that you can only get if you are playing Co-Op and have someone nearby.
• Renegade Agility Orbs – Orbs that run away from you. Difficult to catch, and some require higher levels of Agility to even attempt, fortunately the game tells you when this is the case.
• Renegade Driving Orbs – Orbs that run away from you, but you can only catch in a vehicle. If you are like me, Driving is the skill you neglect, so this would be a good way to get it built up.
• Audio Logs – Backstory information. There are 5 different kinds of Audio Logs:
  1. PCNN – Following news reporter Chris Stroker as he details the fall of Pacific City
  2. Freak – Following the reports of someone studying the freaks, provides intel on the danger level of the various creatures
  3. Surveillance
  4. Catalina Thorne – Head of Cell; so far seem to be gloating
  5. Whistleblower – Someone feeding info to Catalina Thorne

All in all, this is a very fun game and I highly recommend it. If you find the price of admission a bit high, head over to a redbox and rent it for a day or two, it is definitely worth it.

First off, the site says Onslaught is “1-4 player co-operative mode against AI enemies “.  Now, you can solo some of the levels.  Both Gibson and I independently solo’d Nelson Bay (on Easy) in about 22 minutes each.  We went through and replayed it together, beat it (using only pistols, just to dick around), then did a speed run in less than 5 minutes.  We probably could have gone faster… but that was good enough for now.  I tried to solo Atacama Desert, I don’t think it is possible – at least not without some serious time spent studying the map.  Dealing with the tanks is easy enough, but the cap area is too large to keep locked down on your own.  I could survive indefinitely on my own, but simply couldn’t keep the enemies out.

In short, while it says “1-4 players”, for at least Atacama and Isla Inocentes, it is not possible to solo.  Duo is doable on Easy.  Gibson and I consider ourselves to be good players, but neither of those maps could we do on normal in just a twosome.  Mostly the problem is helicopters and the fact that the enemy infinitely spawns.  Speaking of the enemies, even on easy they have laser eyes.  These guys wont shoot at you until they see you, but when they do… they are DEAD on you.  They can be parachuting in from a mile away – they still have a better than 50% chance of hitting you.  The snipers… well lets just say it is very health un-friendly.

Switching the difficulty to easy, Gibson and I duo’d all 4 maps with our times on each being less than 15 minutes each.  We really want to go back and play them on Hardcore, it will definitely be hard, but having the support of 4 players will make life much more enjoyable.  Also, the maps are generally the same from Conquest/Rush, but at different times of day.  For example Atacama Desert is dusk, complete with tracers.  Flying over in the helicopter makes it look like CNN footage of Baghdad – very freaking awesome.

My general evaluation of if something is “worth it” is $10/hour.  I based that roughly on the price of movies.  It might be too high for some, but it is easy to work with.  As Onslaught costs 800 pts, or $10 (MSRP for points), I’d expect at least an hour of play out of it.  To get through the maps just once each on easy is at least that amount.  Then of course there is normal, hard, & hardcore modes.  I really don’t know what hard or hardcore add to the table, but I presume they make it like hardcore in multiplayer – where you loose your health regen and radar (amongst other challenge “multipliers”).

We got our 4 achievements, one for beating each map on any difficulty.  Now we want to go back and get the last 4 achievements – beating each map on hardcore.  That will take a lot of time and practice (since I can’t clone myself 3 more times – if I could this would be cake). 

So, is Onslaught worth 800 pts?  Yes. Onslaught gives the game a little more online life for those times when you’ve got friends online to play with, but no good mutiplayer games.  If nothing else, it is a great training/practice ground for regular multiplayer play.  Plus you don’t have douche bag teammates that TKyou so they can have the helicopter, since you just have one squad.

Currently, you can only get it from the Xbox LIVE Marketplace right here for 800 MS Points ($10 at standard rates). The in game access to the store does not currently show it.

Expanding the Battlefield: Bad Company™2 online multiplayer experience, Onslaught Mode delivers the first online co-op Battlefield action to Xbox 360! Up to 4 players can team up and put their squad skills to the test across 4 enhanced multiplayer maps, fighting against enemy land, sea, and air forces such as the new Mark V SPECACT boat. Work together to secure and hold a series of capture points in the quickest time possible and compare your stats on the Onslaught Leaderboards against your friends and other players across the community. With 4 different levels of difficulty, including Hardcore, Onslaught is the ideal battle ground for Battlefield: Bad Company™2 players, whether new or seasoned veterans, to perfect their squad play skills!

Enjoy!

Thanks to @MajorNelson for the head’s up.

Oh, if you are short on points, you can go to Amazon and get an online code for 1600 points immediately.

UPDATE: At this moment, Jon cannot find “Onslaught” in the Game Mode selections, either on Quick Match or Play with friends. It is possible that it requires having at least one other squad member and since it is 11am, Jon has no Xbox Friends online, so he cannot test this theory.  Twitter reveals that Jon is not alone in his problem “lack of Onslaught” problem.

UPDATE 2: Jon now has it working. The fix is as follows:

1. Clear your system cache – My Xbox, System Tab, Memory, select your Hard Drive and press Y
2. Reboot
3. Start Bad Company 2 and it will provide a 2nd Xbox LIVE Update (for the day)
4. After that, when you go to Multiplayer it’ll offer you “Multiplayer Update 2″, an additional update of 467 MB (you can also queue it up on the marketplace)
5. After the update is downloaded, you will need to restart Bad Company 2 – the console will prompt you to do so.
6. Once you have restarted you will see Onslaught in the Main Menu

On Tuesday, they released their latest bit of DLC called Overlord. Being a Mass Effect 2 fanatic, I bought it immediately for 560 MS Points (at standard conversion rate that is $7).
Here’s the blurb from BioWare:

When sent to investigate a Cerberus research base that’s mysteriously gone silent, Shepard arrives to find Geth overrunning the base. The sole survivor, Chief Scientist Archer, paints a dire picture: an experiment to fuse a human volunteer with a virtual intelligence created a dangerous hybrid “VI overlord”. The rampaging VI has already attacked three other Cerberus bases, controlling any technology it finds in an attempt to break free–and unleashing Geth across the planet. Unless Shepard can infiltrate the VI’s fortress and shut it down, this homicidal intelligence will beam itself-off planet and wreak havoc on other systems. The action unfolds over five new level areas, with two new achievements.

Thankfully, in Mass Effect 2 you get to keep playing after beating the game, so I was able to load up my first playthrough and try out the DLC. Yeoman Kelly alerted me to the new mail on my terminal (right as I was opening the terminal), and after reading it, I headed to the galaxy map and hit a Mass Effect Relay. The new quest shows up on the galaxy map, so I don’t have to go back to the terminal to look up the exact coordinates. I head to the new system and probe the non-quest related planets before landing on Aite.
I land and pick my party (Hint: You will be fighting robots for this entire mission, so bring along teammates with Overload and AI Hacking. There are a few shielded units, so Incinerate wouldn’t be bad either.) and then got a message from Archer giving me the first part of the mission. Once I met up with Archer he gave me the full rundown on the DLC and sent me out in the Hammerhead (the replacement for the Mako of Mass Effect 1 to visit the other bases/areas.
Something that is not made readily apparent (though you are likely to stumble upon it) is that in order to get one of the achievements you need to find 6 packages of research notes. The only indicator as to how many are left is when you find one, at which point the Hammerhead tells you how many remain. It would have been nicer to have it show in the quest log, but such is the life of side quests.

When you get to the final stage of the DLC, you can pick up a piece of research (Heavy Skin Weave +10% health for your character) that is basically the reward for playing the DLC. Not terribly exciting for someone who has already beaten the game, but during a regular playthrough I can see the use (especially on the harder difficulties).

Post mortem: I got about 2 hours of playtime out of the DLC and some extra health (for any further bits of DLC or maybe even to carry over to Mass Effect 3). Given that the DLC is cheaper than a movie ticket in my area, I found it well worth it, especially since I will be playing it again on my other characters.

Tea bagging in Bad Company 2 is something I find amusing. Not in the act of doing it, but how bloody stupid it is for people to do. If you’re in regular mode, it is fine, the kill cam centers on you (the killer) and you can tea bag them in a fashion you know they’ll see. But I play mostly hardcore these days and I still see people doing it. The problem is there is no kill cam or any real way of knowing where the camera “lands” on in what direction. Sometimes I see people “tea bagging” remotely, in other words they are just crouching repeatedly where they are (and not on your head).

It really is… well.. pointless. Doing it remotely, while we might see it, is no longer tea bagging. Plus most of the people do it just to be douche bags. For the little 16 year olds running about tea bagging those they kill because they think they are “l33t”. Please, feel free to go back to Halo at any time. I know those Halo players love to be douche bags and tea bag each other in the most homoerotic manner they can possibly conjure up. Little ones should just have your little tea bagging love fest in Reach, and leave Bad Company 2 to the adults.

Really, you won’t see me tea bagging people. Why? Because you won’t hear the shot that kills you. You’ll have no idea where I am. In all likelihood, you’ll never see me. I am, as the phrase goes, a ghost in the mist. I’ve very good at sniping. I enjoy watching watching you die through my scope, from half a map away, oblivious to my existence until it is too late. Oh, you might call me a camping whore, but the fact that I can shoot you, on the move… taking into account bullet flight time, your trajectory, the bullets trajectory and fall… requires skill. Your use of an LMG on full auto requires no skill other than that which is known as “spray and pray”.

So you tea bag me because you’ve mastered the art of pointing in the generally correct direction and applying lead until someone dies… and I’ll just keep smiling as I watch you dance to your .50 caliber death.

WARNING: This is by far the most vitriol filled post Jon has created, consider yourself warned.EARTH TO GAME DESIGNERS. A GAME ISN’T ANY FUCKING FUN WHEN IT IS ENTIRELY BASED ON FUCKING LUCK.

Additionally, games where you have bosses (which are most) that require you to play large portions of levels over again… ARE FUCKING STUPID.

Jesus Fucking Christ. This isn’t new fucking information people. We, humanity, have been making somewhat decent video games for something like 25 years now. We know what does and does not work. There are a few things that don’t work and should never, ever, EVER BE FUCKING IN A GAME.

The first of these is the random luck bullshit. Yes, there is a roll of the dice in most situations, but since we’re talking about Lost Planet 2, let me be specific: The fucking train/cannon level (3-3?). You’re on some giant fucking train (that spans 2 sets of tracks). This train has a GIANT fucking cannon (howtizer, if you ask me) on it, loading rounds that are probably at least 1 meter in size. Instead of using this to shoot targets at a distance, you’re using it to shoot a target so close, it fucking eats your train. So where’s the luck aspect? Oh, the fucking giant dune worm that is attacking you periodically, it bumps the train. So if you’re standing anywhere remotely open – it knocks you the fuck off. Obviously this is instant death for you. THIS IS NO FUCKING FUN. Give me a fucking chance to at least fight for my fucking life. I don’t care if you consider it more “realistic” or whatever bullshit logic you used to implement this retard induced idea… IT IS A GIANT FUCKING WORM ATTACKING YOU. WHAT FUCKING REALISM!?

It fucking drives me, and everyone I was playing with, up a fucking wall when this happens. Jesus H Christ, you can’t fucking do anything on the level for fear you’ll be knocked off. Oh, don’t forget that every death counts against the team, and you start the entire level with only 4 deaths allowed. Sure, you get to earn 3 more – but you fucking need them. Why? Because the first time we got on that fucking train, we started to warm up the gun… and the worm knocked us all off. Every. Fucking. One. Of Us. Guess what? Instant game over. This isn’t skill, it isn’t even chance… it is all luck of the draw…. and to that I say fuck you. If I wanted to play a goddamn game of chance, I’d drive over to Reno and play some fucking slots. At least with slots I’ll know that A) I’m supposed to lose and B) It doesn’t profess to be anything more than a rigged game of chance.

So normally, you’d think… Ok, you died, it happens, I’ll just restart this section. No… Not in Lost Planet 2. The game sizes you up, kicks you in the balls, then ass rapes you. That’s fucking right kids, you get to play the ENTIRE goddamn level over again, from the start. This particular level is fucking annoying. There are 3 sections. The first, you’re in a small train along side the big fucking train. You can’t speed this section up if you had all the tea in China. It is on a set script and you will fucking wait for it to finish. Then we get a gay little quick time event. Seriously. Fuck you and your fucking quick time events. QT events are stupid and fucking pointless and serve absolutely no fucking purpose other than to force me to not pay attention to anything in the cut scene other than that fucking gay little button prompt.

After that is section two, where you have to fight up the entire length of the big train… on both sides. You’d think this wouldn’t be too bad, but there are mechs, snipers, cannons, guys with rocket launchers, more mechs, annoying fucktard infantry… oh and did I mention cannons that can fire at you the instant you popup, in any direction, at any distance all the way down to RIGHT the fuck next to them? Yea… that one is my particular favorite. Again… a cannon is not a fucking close quarters weapon. Sure, if someone ran right in front of it – you could use it on them – but they are slow and generally sit back at a distance for a fucking reason. These aren’t fucking small tank guns (if you can call 120mm “small”), but big fucking cannons. So you fight your way through all these fucktards, oh, and don’t forget the helicopters… and _then_ you get to be ass raped by the fucking worm.

We ended up playing this level… I don’t know… I lost count after a while… 5 or 6 fucking times. Yes, twice we were playing on hard, but the rest we were playing on normal. Now this is a crew of 3 people who are VERY experienced FPS players. We’re not some pussy ass newbies who are upset by a little challenge. Please, on “normal” the first section of the level is stupidly easy for me because I just stand off with a sniper rifle (my specialty) and kill every fucker that moves. Headshot… headshot… headshot… headshot… yawn… headshot… headshot… yawn… That is more or less the mentality I had. I got something like a 20 or 30 headshot kill streak. Not exactly what I’d call a “hard”, and the same goes for the other 2 guys who didn’t have much to do because I was one shooting everything.

Twice… twice we got to the very fucking end of the worm ass fuck section. The entire time I’m gunning this giant fucking howitzer around, which if you don’t know, has a turn speed of about 0.5 RPM. That’s just a guess, but I’d say it takes about 2 real minutes for the entire thing to turn around once. Now you can hop out and use some special side controls to spin 90 deg at a time, but those take time to activate to. Why? Because you have to sit there and jack off on them. I shit you not. You have to run up to these little shit controls and ram the B button as hard and fast as you possibly can. I think at this point in time that having a 16 year old male who spends a lot of time masturbating would be a real asset to the team – simply to jack off on those goddamn buttons. So we’re at the very end… and what happens? I find out the worm is coming up behind us. So I go hit the jack off buttons, twice, since we need to swing all the fucking way around…. but it’s too late. The worm has eaten us. Completely fucking ignoring the fact that we’re on a MOVING train, the worm is digging up the desert and I’ve put like 20 rounds from a fucking 1 meter plus howitzer into the side of the fucker… and he can still out run us… AND fucking eat us for dessert.

Again, this is one of those fucking game design points in which if I ever met the people who were in charge of designing this shit… I would fucking slap him back into his mother’s womb. With any luck this time around she’d have an abortion before he or she was born. Save the world some more stupid fucking half-witted design. Oh, and while you’re at it, fucking fire you QA staff. They obviously were too enamored with the fucking jack off button to tell you dipshit designers that this shit is fucked up.

WE HAVE THE HARD DRIVE SPACE. WE SHOULD GET TO FUCKING SAVE. EVEN FUCKING HALO HAS CHECK POINTS.

PS. Up to this level, the game was tolerable. After this last play session… I may never play the game again.

Sniper Ghost Warrior – June 8, 2010
Just ran across Sniper Ghost Warrior last night. I don’t know too much about it since there aren’t any real reviews online, but the price point is good ($40 vs standard $60) and the videos look fairly decent. It is from a no-name developer, but that doesn’t mean it will be bad. I’m quite a fan of sniping, especially the physics puzzle of gravity/wind/distance/time. I’m quite good at it in Bad Company 2 (though it really only takes the time/distance and gravity into effect). The hyper realism of this sniper game (including heartbeats) could prove to be extremely interesting.

Halo Reach – September 1, 2010
What more needs to be said for Halo Reach? It is the newest installment of the Halo franchise. If you liked the previous games, you’ll like this one. If you didn’t before, you probably wont like this one. Personally, I own all the Halo video games, including Halo Wars (the RTS). I’ve also got all the books. I enjoy the games and I really enjoy the canon. Halo Reach is already out in Beta, so if you have Halo 3:ODST Firefly, you can get in and try out the multiplayer. It looks a lot like Halo 3 to me, but more refined. All in all, the few times I’ve played it, it has been enjoyable and the new mechanics/weapons are fun.

Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Future Soldier – October 1, 2010
Another Tom Clancy game which really has nothing to do with him more than it has his name on it, Ghost Recon Future Soldier is the next generation of Ghost Recon game, following GRAW and GRAW2. While I don’t think I’ll go back and play either GRAW, I did enjoy them when they came out. I find the slightly future war fighters enjoyable. Really I haven’t seen anything about GRFS, since it is fairly far out, but I have hope for it.

Medal Of Honor – October 12, 2010
Ah, Medal Of Honor, a series which I don’t think I’ve played any of the games on… until now. I watched their first trailer for this and it looks super cool, granted the trailer contained basically no game play, but it was very well put together. The main reason why I’m going to play this one? Modern fighting. I’m sorry, but between Call of Duty (all of them), Battlefield all of them) and some of the other series – I’ve fought in every major battle since the invention of gun powder. Oh, and every semi-major to somewhat minor battle of WWI and WWII. Modern = Good. Old = Been there, done that. Plus, I much prefer having new guns, scopes, and all sorts of cool toys.

Call of Duty: Black Ops – November 9, 2010
I’m on the fence about Call of Duty: Black Ops. On the plus side, it is a cool premise that if properly executed will be totally awesome. On the down side, it is made by Treyarch, the same bunch of screwups that made Call Of Duty 5: World At War (aka Jack Bauer At War). I really want this to be a good game, but I don’t have a ton of faith in Treyarch. COD5 was by far the worst COD game to date, at the same time COD games tend to be on the better side of the game spectrum. Maybe I was just upset they screwed up the franchise.

In the end? I have them all on pre-order. I can always cancel them if news/reviews point out that they are going to suck. In the mean time I can get the best possible deal from Amazon. I only hope that Bad Company 2 gets some new maps before I get truly bored of it. I need something to keep me going until Halo (Because I don’t think Sniper’s multiplayer is going to be much, if anything). The only truly depressing bit of knowledge from this list? Next year is gonna have jack squat for good shooters.

Atacama Desert
For those that don’t play the game, this is a BIG open desert map. The one map in conquest mode in which each team has a helicopter. Great fun you think… fuck no. The helicopters are nifty toys, but they get old fast. Why you ask? BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO FUCKING SHOOT DOWN.
“Jon,” you say “Aren’t there anti-aircraft guns strewn about the map?” Yes. Yes there are, but guess what? My fucking pistol does more damage!! Seriously, the Anti-Aircraft guns are next to fucking useless other than annoying the helicopter. When I’m flying, and I do that quite often… once I realize I’m being AA’d, I head towards it! Why? Because I take so little damage from it that I generally have time to make a pass or two at the AA gun, kill the gunner, and leave. FLAK CANNONS ARE SUPPOSED TO SHRED EVERYTHING IN THE AIR. THAT’S WHAT THEY WERE DESIGNED FOR! THAT’S THEIR FUCKING PURPOSE. Not to mention the fact that the AA guns on this map are straight out of World War Fucking 2. We’re in MODERN combat, flying AH-64 Apache Longbows. Give us fucking missiles! Oh, well, we’ve got TOW missiles also, but they aren’t radar lock on or anything REMOTELY useful like that.

The ability to steal vehicles
I mentioned it before, and I’m gonna talk about it again. The ability to take enemy vehicles is the most god damn fucking shit faced stupid bitch retarded idea I’VE EVER had the pleasure of running into. Seriously. You might think that this couldn’t be that big of a deal, and maybe it’s realistic. I’m not sure, do real tanks have keys? Probably not… but real tanks aren’t in video games. Almost every fucking time I play on Atacama Desert, someone steals the enemy helicopter. It doesn’t matter who does it; it is a douche bag thing to do. One enemy helicopter is hard enough to deal with, two is nearly fucking impossible. I’ve had matches where all I can do is sit in our base and wait for the fuckers to show up who are trying to steal our chopper. It isn’t REMOTELY fucking fun for me, other than the fact that I get to shout “FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET FOR TRYING TO JACK OUR FUCKING HELICOPTER”, which, for the record, I shout almost every time someone comes to steal our helicopter. Even if the helicopter isn’t there, they come and they’ll wait. The spawn times on those helicopters are astronomically small. Tanks take like 30 seconds to 1 minute to respawn when destroyed (probably closer to 1 minute). Helicopters? 20 seconds… tops. There almost is never a time there isn’t a helicopter up in the air and it gets really fucking annoying as a ground pounder. You get a decent gunner in there (and my usual gunner is EXTREMELY good at his job) and all he needs to do is get a burst from the cannon NEAR you on the ground and you’re dead. About the only thing that is safe from the first strafe of a helicopter is the tank – and then they generally move too slow to escape.

The shotgun with slugs sniper rifle
In real life, the effective range of a shotgun with slugs is roughly 120 to 150 m. It’s a long range, don’t get me wrong, but in a game where you’ve got flags that are less than 150m apart, it is total and complete bullshit. What’s even more bullshit is when you can put the slugs in a shotgun with “magnum ammo” which just makes NO FUCKING sense what so ever. I mean… seriously, “magnum” means BIGGER. You cannot put magnum rounds into a non-magnum weapon. And this magnum shotgun stuff is bullshit. I played a match this last night where one of the enemy players was sniping with a shotgun. I’ve done it, but this person was way better; they were fucking good. Not only that, we were playing on hardcore. So apparently this shogun can kill you A) Across the map, B) in one shot no matter what, C) was semi-automatic and D) Magazine fed. Total. And. Complete. Bullshit. My sniper rifle is less powerful, and slower. I’VE GOT A GODDAMN 50 CALIBER ANTI-MATERIAL RIFLE. I SHOULD BE RIPPING YOU IN HALF…. But no. Your shotgun trumps my 50 cal. In what fucking world does that make sense? Certainly not the real one.

Light machine guns Full automatic sniper rifles
What. The. Fuck. were they thinking when they put the M60 into the game. They made this machine gun so fucking accurate that you can honestly and truly snipe from halfway across the map with it. The gun, in short bursts is so fucking accurate that I can’t beat it with a real sniper rifle. Why? Because the first shot is always dead on target so it fucks up your enemies aim. Oh, and it’s fully fucking automatic so you can just keep “burst” firing until their dead or have to beat a hasty retreat. Forget the fact that you can hardly fucking see the target – you don’t need to. Spray and pray snipe for the win!

Base invasion Getting butt fucked and Enjoying it!!!
Bad Company 2 is HORRIBLY unbalanced. Fine, I can accept that the developers can’t figure out how to balance shit… seems no one can… but when you’re playing on something like Conquest and you lose all your flags… what do you do? You sit in your base as the entire enemy team fucking spawn camps you. Take a look at either side on Laguna Alta – it is fucking choked off so there is only one exit. Fucking genius – makes it REALLY fucking easy for the enemy to lock you in there. This should NEVER EVER be fucking possible to do. If you get locked out of the flags, you should have SOME way to have a fighting chance. But no, if you get pushed back to your base, your team generally loses it’s momentum and cohesion and gets pushed back even farther. Then you’re locked in your base dieing over and over again until you say “Fuck this shit” and quit. It really isn’t fun for either fucking side, but being on the losing side really sucks. I’ve quit more than my share of games because of shit like this. Or… my other favorite… helicopter spawn camping on Atacama Desert.

Shit on the ground aka “Help, there is a twig and I can’t get past it”
One of the real strengths of Bad Company 2 is how much worth they put into the terrain. By this I mean the ground cover, the trees, and the cover in general. All very cool. But as a trained soldier, WHY CAN’T I WALK OVER A FUCKING ROCK?! Everything in the game is an impediment to your momentum. Forward, back, side to side…. it doesn’t matter what direction you’re going – you will run into something that blocks your way. If the ground isn’t perfectly fucking level, you’re getting caught. I’m sorry, in real life I don’t LUNGE over small rocks, I simply walk over them. In real life I don’t come to a dead stop because of a small twig, I push through it. In Bad Company 2 – you’re at a dead stop. So half the fucking match is back to the good old days of Counter Strike where I’m bunny hopping the fuck all around so I can keep fucking moving. The “trained soldier” on screen sucks going up hills more than the very real, computer nerd, me. What. The. Fuck.

Here’s some other random fun bugs I’ve run across

• People can eject from vehicles that are in the process of exploding and survive. I mean, fuck the fact that you’re ENGULFED in a GIANT FUCKING fireball. That means NOTHING! For I am wearing fireproof… everything! Fireproof face! Not to mention being immune to the concussive forces.

• I shoot you, you shoot me, we’re both dead. Also known as the “tie”. I’ve tied died so many times I can’t even count. It doesn’t make any freaking sense. Bullets don’t take but a few milliseconds to leave the barrel of the gun and get to the other guy. Sure when I’m sniping and the other guy is sniping – our bullets could take a half second or two to get to each other…. but at close range? Fuck no.
• The FUCKING HORN. When you get down to 15 “tickets” it sounds a little horn to let you know that the end is near for you. Ignoring the fact of all the other visual and auditory cues you get. The HORN KEEPS FUCKING GOING UNTIL THE FUCKING MATCH IS FUCKING OVER. For GOD SAKES. TURN THE FUCKER OFF. The continued bleating drives me up a fucking wall; it makes me want to reach through the TV, and set the fucking game developers on fire. Especially that sound guy. FUCK YOU SOUND GUY.
• Clipping. COME THE FUCK ON, YOUR GUN STICKS OUT – TAKE THAT INTO ACCOUNT. People can, and do on a regular basis, stand behind walls, stick their guns out through them and shoot you to death with them. What can you do about it? Fucking nothing. Why… because their body is shielded. Seriously Mr. Developer, did you not see one person clip through a wall even partially during development? Bullshit you didn’t, you pulled a fucking Intel Floating Point on this and we know it. It is not hard to add the length of the gun you are holding to onto your character model and make sure it doesn’t clip.

Closing thoughts
To the developers I ask this: Have you ever shot a real gun before? EVER? Do you even know what a real gun looks like? Besides the pictures you found on Wikipedia? Ok, seriously… go the fuck outside and shoot some of the guns you’re putting into the video games. After that, you must decide. Are you making a balanced shooting game, or an ultra realistic war simulation. If you’re making a balanced shooter, throw everything the fuck out that you learned from shooting those guns and make a fucking BALANCED shooter. If you’re making an ultra-realistic war simulation… let me know because no one has done so yet.

I’m sorry, but you cannot call a game “well balanced” when shotguns can compete with sniper rifles, and almost every class of weapon can compete with or outmatch the sniper rifles. The game developers can, and did, make up arbitrary values for everything and every weapon. Plus… why did you give the class with the MACHINE GUN the ability to heal themselves. Seriously, as if the LMG wasn’t overpowered enough as is? Sigh… being angry about this shit is exhausting.